« December 2008 | Main | February 2009 »
January 30, 2009
I have mad organizational skillz.....
I am a master at filing my own taxes, I began my working life at age 15, and have filed my own return each year since then with the exception of two years. Family members used to turn to me when they were too lazy to file their own return. I exchanged my Quicken enhanced 1040 literacy skills for the joy of having their respective squirmy toddler lodged between my face and the computer screen while completing the task.
I battled the IRS one year when they decided I owed them money because I flipped a couple numbers in a social security number, resulting in the annihilation of one of my dependents. After I explained the problem they were happy to agree with me. Problem solved.
I mourned the loss of tele-filing and was an early-adopter of e-filing, having used the option for the past four years. Just answer a few questions, click, click again, and ten days later the money magically appears in my bank account. I don't even have to get out of my pajamas.
I received my W-2 on Monday, on Wednesday morning I zipped through the interview questions for my return. When I got to the part where I was supposed to electronically sign my return I snagged. This is not information I keep at my fingertips. There was no link for the past two years of returns, even though I have used the same provider. Every. Year.
2K5 was present and accounted for, '06 and 07 were missing in action. No problem, I have paper files. My AGI would be in there. Except that the "taxes" folder contained information for '02, '03, '04 and '05. Nothing more.
I cussed myself for two nights, then tried again. I clicked through until I finally found how to recover the missing information. Just call the IRS. Perfect.
Calling the IRS is not what you would expect. It all starts out very standard, press 1 for this, 2 for that, the item you are listening for is always the last one, after you press that number there is another menu, and another, perhaps a menu inside a menu. Then the announcement that your wait time is between one and two years. No problem, last time the estimate was between five and six years, I'll take it. So after listening to Tchaikovsky being incessantly interrupted by an apology over my wait for nearly three months a representative comes on and asks what I want.
Me: "I'm trying to find my AGI for 2007, is that something you can help me with?"
Voice: "What is your social security number?"
M: "999-99-9999"
V: "997"
M: "999"
V: "999-97"
M: "999-99"
V: "999-99-7324?"
M: "999-99-9999"
V: "999-99-9999". Now we have too many numbers, lets start all over again
M: *rolling eyes* "999"
V: "999"
M: "99"
V: "99"
M: "9999"
V: "9999. 999-99-9999?"
M: "Yes" *sigh of relief*
V: "And your name, including middle initial
M: "Anna A-N-N-A, middle initial G, Warmuth, W-A-R" *pause* "M, like in Mary, U-T-H".
V: "And your address, including city, state and zip code?"
M: "1234 Any Street, Any town, Tennessee, 12345".
V: " Was your filing status last year Married filing Joint, Married filing Separate, Head of Household or Single?"
M: "Yes".
V: "Counting yourself how many dependents did you claim on last year's return?"
M: "Just me".
V: "Did you e-file or mail your return last year?"
M: "E-file".
V: "What was the name of the company you worked for in 2007?"
M: "What's on second, oh, wait, {Insert name of company here}".
V: "Can you spell that?"
M: "T, like in Tom, H-A" *pause* "T, like in Tom".
V: "Boxers or Briefs?"
M: "Briefs". *wondering how they would know anyway*
V: "Paper or Plastic?"
M: "Plastic for 2K7, but I've switched to environmentally conscious reusable cloth for 2K9".
V: "Shoe size?"
M: "6 1/2 Wide".
V: "One moment".
She then went on her lunch break.
40 minutes of static-y silence later I realized I could utilize the speaker phone option, and went off in search of my own records. Finally after two expandable file boxes and 5 shoe box sized boxes I located the missing W-2's in the box containing my old paystubs.
I'm trying to come up with a brilliant new filing system for this year's tax documents, one I'm sure not to forget.
Posted by Anna at 7:29 PM | Comments (0)
January 27, 2009
The Elevator to Hell
This closet in my Grandma's house is no ordinary closet. Innocent though it seems, it is actually an elevator. An elevator to hell.
And if that is an elevator to hell, it leaves me wondering what is this a stairway to???
Posted by Anna at 10:53 AM | Comments (0)
January 26, 2009
My New Baby.....
...was delivered Friday January 23, 2009 at 9:12 am by Dr. FedEx. She weighs a tiny 3 pounds, and I haven't slept through the night yet. Leaving the house now requires 40 pounds of stuff I will not use, but can't bear the thought of not having "just in case".
Posted by Anna at 12:52 AM | Comments (0)
January 25, 2009
The things your parents hide from you until you're old enough to handle it....
I thought it was cute, until I saw what she left out of the song. Now I'm disturbed.
Back. To. Counseling.
Barnacle Bill the Sailor
(Tap-tap-tap)"Who's that knocking at my door?"
(Tap-tap-tap)"Who's that knocking at my door?"
(Tap-tap-tap)"Who's that knocking at my door?"
Cried the fair young maiden.
"It's only me from over the sea", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"I'm all lit up like a Christmas tree", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"I'll sail the sea until I croak, I fight 'n swear 'n drink 'n smoke,
But I can't swim a bloody stroke", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"Are you young and handsome, sir?"
"Are you young and handsome, sir?"
"Are you young and handsome, sir?"
Cried the fair young maiden.
"I'm old 'n rough 'n dirty 'n tough", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"I drink my gin 'n dip my snuff", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"I drink my whiskey when I can, whiskey from an old tin can,
Fer whiskey is the life of Man", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"I'll come down and let you in!"
"I'll come down and let you in!"
"I'll come down and let you in!"
Cried the fair young maiden.
"Well hurry before I break the door", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"I'll puff 'n fuss 'n rant 'n roar", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"I'll spin you yarns 'n tell you lies, I'll drink yer wine 'n eat yer pies,
I'll kiss yer cheek 'n black yer eyes", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"Sing me a love song low and sweet!"
"Sing me a love song low and sweet!"
"Sing me a love song low and sweet!"
Cried the fair young maiden.
"Sixteen men on a dead man's chest", sang Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"Yo-heave-ho and a bottle of rum", sang Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"Oh, a high-rig-a-jig and a jauntin' car, a-hee a-ho are you 'most done,
Belay my boys and the Bull-jine run", sang Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"Tell me that we soon shall wed!"
"Tell me that we soon shall wed!"
"Tell me that we soon shall wed!"
Cried the fair young maiden.
"I've got me a wife in every port", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"And handsome gals is what I court", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"With my false heart 'n flatterin' tongue, I courts 'em all both old 'n
young,
I courts 'em all but marries none", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"When shall I see you again?"
"When shall I see you again?"
"When shall I see you again?"
Cried the fair young maiden.
"Never again, I'll come no more", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"Tonight I'm sailin' from the shore", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
"If you wait fer me to come, sittin' and waitin' 'n suckin' yer thumb,
You'll wait until the day of yer doom!", says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
Posted by Anna at 9:58 PM | Comments (0)
January 23, 2009
The moment I realized I am old.....
The following is a conversation by two teen-agers in Wal-Mart tonight
He: *sounding defensive* "Is it bad to say you look young?"
She: "I don't want to look young."
Posted by Anna at 10:26 PM | Comments (0)
Better Late than Never....
Media card: $30.00
600 miles worth of gas: $50.00
"Rat King" Video:
Priceless.
Posted by Anna at 4:34 PM | Comments (3)
January 18, 2009
A Real-life Cinderella....
While I was in the local CASA office the other day to sign off on my latest report I saw a couple copies of "Three Little Words" by Ashley Rhodes-Courter in the cubicle of our program manager. She'd already left for lunch, but with permission from her assistant I swiped a copy to take home and read.
For 4 1/2 days it waited patiently on my coffee table for me to pick it up and read it. Last night around 9 pm, too early to go to bed but too lazy to start any of my waiting projects, I opened it up and began to read. For three and a half hours my eyes stayed glued to the pages of the book, riveted by Ms. Ashley's recounting of her childhood spent in custody of the state of Florida, moving from one foster placement to another before being adopted by the Courter family. I never would have imagined that the "three little words" which changed her life were not "I love you".
This book shattered all my illusions about how older children feel during the adoption process, and why so many of those adoptions fail. But it also ends with hope, hope that something can be done for children currently living in foster care due to abuse or neglect, and that I am already doing it.
Posted by Anna at 2:15 PM | Comments (0)
January 14, 2009
Sure, blame the victim....
Last Friday my life came completely unglued when my pencil went missing at work. There were heart-warming moments when my community responded with support, suggesting places my pencil might be, and providing me with their identical unwanted pencils, and even an entire new set of pencils, still in the package. A suggestion was made that perhaps my pencil was taken by this well-known pencil swiper.
The suspect was ruled out after providing a reliable alibi that she was in Loveland, Colorado and could not have taken the pencil. Also, a search warrant executed under the bed, her favorite hiding place, failed to locate my pencil or any evidence related to the crime. (Thank you Danny for the tip, as well as a hysterical mug shot)
Another possibility was that my pencil may have run off on it's own, crash landed a plane in a residential area after parachuting to safety, and then evading authorities for days before attempting to take it's own lead. This was ruled out, since it was not under investigation by the SEC, or any other regulatory agency, and had no ties to Bernard Madoff or any corrupt politicians.
Now my own actions are being scrutinized, being interrogated in the comments to my post with the following:
...Why did you take a picture of the pencil in advance of it going missing? Do you also have back-up pencils that you have taken identification pictures of? Do you have pictures of ALL of your pencils, or did you just take a picture of this one? Is this pen your favorite? If it is your favorite, is that because it is stainless steel? Is that what makes it special? Are all of your other pencils just the stubby yellow number 2's with bite-marks on them? Have you taken pictures of all of your sheets of paper too? What about copy-machine paper? What about your printer paper? What about your 'post-it' notes? This type of behaviour is curious to me. This seems like a 'set-up'. Who was clocked-in at the time? Has anyone seen Red P. Bucket lately?...
I would first like to point out that I was the VICTIM of the pencil-napping. I was the one who had to spend the rest of my shift writing with a substandard cheap plastic mechanical pencil with 0.7 lead which makes disgusting heavy lines on the paper. I was the one carefully retracing my steps, convinced that I somehow failed in my duties as guardian of my pencil, expecting it to turn up under every stack of paper moved or drawer reopened, thinking that if I could just recheck all the tables I had been near it would magically reappear. I spent MY weekend wandering the aisles of Staples, facing the harsh reality that my pencil was not going to just walk through the door at any moment and apologize for having caused me so much trouble. I have absolutely nothing to hide, and against the advice of my attorney, I will respond to the questioning.
Q: Why did you take a picture of the pencil in advance of it going missing?
A: I didn't take a picture of my pencil in advance of it going missing. That picture is of it's identical stay-at-home pencil twin. They were purchased together at Staples in Cookeville, and one of them is a career pencil, working hard and climbing the corporate pencil ladder while the other stays at home and takes care of things like making "to-do" lists of things that will never get done, planning birthday parties, making household budgets, and is actively involved in volunteer advocacy for children who have been abused or neglected. It was very concerned about the plight of it's professional "type A" partner and wanted to help out.
Q: Do you also have back-up pencils that you have taken identification pictures of?
A: No, but I'm considering that.
Q: Do you have pictures of ALL of your pencils, or did you just take a picture of this one?
A: See above.
Q: Is this pen your favorite?
A: I see you are trying to trip me up with this question. I have been quite clear that it was my PENCIL that went missing. My pens are all accounted for.
Q: If it is your favorite, is that because it is stainless steel? Is that what makes it special?
A: I love all my pencils and pens, I just love them differently. Each one has it's own unique personality. But, yes, I am preferential to stainless steel pencils, I believe a person is judged by the pencil they write with, and you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Q: Are all of your other pencils just the stubby yellow number 2's with bite-marks on them?
A: Please. I have my standards.
Q: Have you taken pictures of all of your sheets of paper too? What about copy-machine paper? What about your printer paper? What about your 'post-it' notes?
A: *tugs at collar and gulps nervously* Is it hot in here?
Q: This type of behaviour is curious to me. This seems like a 'set-up'. Who was clocked-in at the time? Has anyone seen Red P. Bucket lately?
A: Red P. Bucket has an alibi, he is currently shacked up with a coconut mama in Hawaii.
In an interesting twist of events, my eraser went missing sometime between 3:30 and 5:00 pm last night.
Local authorities suspect the same person who abducted my pencil may also be responsible for the abduction of my eraser.
Posted by Anna at 12:22 PM | Comments (2)
January 12, 2009
At least I didn't have to wait in line *grin*
Why yes that was me backing up the "on" ramp to the highway at 12:13 am because I'd taken a wrong turn. Doesn't everyone run out to pay their water bill in the middle of the night while waiting for their computer to reboot for the blue millionth time? Dr. appointment? Pffft, I don't have to be awake until 8:45.
Around here procrastination is an art.
Posted by Anna at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2009
Missing: Abduction Suspected
Stainless steel mechanical pencil with 0.5 lead
Missing since about 5:45 Friday January 9, 2009.
Last seen in the vicinity of my desk in my office at work.
If you have any information concerning the location of my pencil, or the identity of whoever swiped it, please call local authorities or CrimeStoppers.
Posted by Anna at 12:09 AM | Comments (3)
January 3, 2009
How turkeys do it.....
I started reviewing Barbara Kingsolver's book "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" a couple days ago after reading about a third of the way into it. I have now finished the book, and am upgrading it's status from "great read" to "must read". What raised it in my not-so-humble opinion? Turkey Sex. The graphic descriptions of the (nearly lost) art of turkey sex are worth reading the entire book for. I can now check that off on my list of objectives for 2009.
Not only can we save the planet by growing our own food or purchasing it from the most local source possible, we can also preserve the knowledge of how turkeys mate (or would if we'd let them).
Posted by Anna at 6:32 PM | Comments (0)
January 1, 2009
Give me a Break!!!!!
So, I broke the solitude of my first day of 2009 to venture out in search of the necessities of life. (Gummy bears and Starbucks, what were you thinking I meant?) As I wandered through the local Kroger, gummy bears in hand, I was shocked to see the aisle formerly known as "Christmas" was now hosting a Valentine's invasion (ok, my initial thought was "OH NO! Valentines has thrown up all over the seasonal aisle"). My heart immediately sunk with the realization there would be no post-new year's respite from the holiday crazed mass merchandisers. By the time Valentines is over, Easter will be just around the corner, with Memorial Day close on it's heels. The clearance sales of cemetary sprays will overlap the appearance of tents selling explosives, and before they are torn down we will be back to Christmas all over, somehow cramming halloween and thanksgiving into the mix.
I can see myself living on an isolated island somewhere with only 4 annual celebrations; spring, summer, harvest and winter (winter is sketchy, I might hibernate through that one, unless there is a Starbucks on my isolated island, then we could negotiate). I'd settle though, for a two week reprieve between holidays, just long enough to come up for air.
Posted by Anna at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)