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January 14, 2009
Sure, blame the victim....
Last Friday my life came completely unglued when my pencil went missing at work. There were heart-warming moments when my community responded with support, suggesting places my pencil might be, and providing me with their identical unwanted pencils, and even an entire new set of pencils, still in the package. A suggestion was made that perhaps my pencil was taken by this well-known pencil swiper.
The suspect was ruled out after providing a reliable alibi that she was in Loveland, Colorado and could not have taken the pencil. Also, a search warrant executed under the bed, her favorite hiding place, failed to locate my pencil or any evidence related to the crime. (Thank you Danny for the tip, as well as a hysterical mug shot)
Another possibility was that my pencil may have run off on it's own, crash landed a plane in a residential area after parachuting to safety, and then evading authorities for days before attempting to take it's own lead. This was ruled out, since it was not under investigation by the SEC, or any other regulatory agency, and had no ties to Bernard Madoff or any corrupt politicians.
Now my own actions are being scrutinized, being interrogated in the comments to my post with the following:
...Why did you take a picture of the pencil in advance of it going missing? Do you also have back-up pencils that you have taken identification pictures of? Do you have pictures of ALL of your pencils, or did you just take a picture of this one? Is this pen your favorite? If it is your favorite, is that because it is stainless steel? Is that what makes it special? Are all of your other pencils just the stubby yellow number 2's with bite-marks on them? Have you taken pictures of all of your sheets of paper too? What about copy-machine paper? What about your printer paper? What about your 'post-it' notes? This type of behaviour is curious to me. This seems like a 'set-up'. Who was clocked-in at the time? Has anyone seen Red P. Bucket lately?...
I would first like to point out that I was the VICTIM of the pencil-napping. I was the one who had to spend the rest of my shift writing with a substandard cheap plastic mechanical pencil with 0.7 lead which makes disgusting heavy lines on the paper. I was the one carefully retracing my steps, convinced that I somehow failed in my duties as guardian of my pencil, expecting it to turn up under every stack of paper moved or drawer reopened, thinking that if I could just recheck all the tables I had been near it would magically reappear. I spent MY weekend wandering the aisles of Staples, facing the harsh reality that my pencil was not going to just walk through the door at any moment and apologize for having caused me so much trouble. I have absolutely nothing to hide, and against the advice of my attorney, I will respond to the questioning.
Q: Why did you take a picture of the pencil in advance of it going missing?
A: I didn't take a picture of my pencil in advance of it going missing. That picture is of it's identical stay-at-home pencil twin. They were purchased together at Staples in Cookeville, and one of them is a career pencil, working hard and climbing the corporate pencil ladder while the other stays at home and takes care of things like making "to-do" lists of things that will never get done, planning birthday parties, making household budgets, and is actively involved in volunteer advocacy for children who have been abused or neglected. It was very concerned about the plight of it's professional "type A" partner and wanted to help out.
Q: Do you also have back-up pencils that you have taken identification pictures of?
A: No, but I'm considering that.
Q: Do you have pictures of ALL of your pencils, or did you just take a picture of this one?
A: See above.
Q: Is this pen your favorite?
A: I see you are trying to trip me up with this question. I have been quite clear that it was my PENCIL that went missing. My pens are all accounted for.
Q: If it is your favorite, is that because it is stainless steel? Is that what makes it special?
A: I love all my pencils and pens, I just love them differently. Each one has it's own unique personality. But, yes, I am preferential to stainless steel pencils, I believe a person is judged by the pencil they write with, and you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Q: Are all of your other pencils just the stubby yellow number 2's with bite-marks on them?
A: Please. I have my standards.
Q: Have you taken pictures of all of your sheets of paper too? What about copy-machine paper? What about your printer paper? What about your 'post-it' notes?
A: *tugs at collar and gulps nervously* Is it hot in here?
Q: This type of behaviour is curious to me. This seems like a 'set-up'. Who was clocked-in at the time? Has anyone seen Red P. Bucket lately?
A: Red P. Bucket has an alibi, he is currently shacked up with a coconut mama in Hawaii.
In an interesting twist of events, my eraser went missing sometime between 3:30 and 5:00 pm last night.
Local authorities suspect the same person who abducted my pencil may also be responsible for the abduction of my eraser.
Posted by Anna at January 14, 2009 12:22 PM
Comments
Oh, OK. Your explanations about the pens, pencils, paper, and Red all seem perfectly plausable...But I really think you yourself bit off the eraser, chewed it up, and swallowed it. You ate it. Sometimes people do this in the middle of the night, and have no recollection of what transpired when they wake up the next morning. It is a rare disorder called E.S.E.D. That is, Eraser Sleep-Eating Disorder. You sound like the likely suspect. Don't be embarrased to check with your doctor, or maybe there is a local support group in your area?
Posted by: Concerned Reader at January 14, 2009 6:20 PM
Thanks for the props in your blog. I think I new you blogged but I must admit that I do not read your posts daily. Is this a free site? How does one start ones own blog. For free. Cuase if it ain't free it aint happening.
Thanks.
Posted by: Danny at January 23, 2009 10:51 PM