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September 28, 2009
Don't worry, be happy.....
So today I was faced with a dilemma: Kroger or starve. Actually I wouldn't have starved to death quickly, there are still a few cupcakes left from the weekend. But, my supply of nutritious food was dangerously low. I generally access Kroger from the back, and today there was a van parked on the side of the building which proudly advertised "Worry-free living is closer than you think".
I don't follow the news closely, but even I know there are lots of things to be worried about today, so I was immediately intrigued. What company could possibly offer to wipe out all of our worries? Turns out the van belonged to Rent-A-Center.
I feel mildly embarrassed to have not realized before RAC would be able to take on all of the grave reports swirling around us. Laid off and worried about reports that unemployment will not begin to rebound until 2010 or later? Not to worry, we can deliver a high definition television to keep you from boredom while you wait to be called back to work.
Received a second forclosure notice? One of our sectional couches would look great in your parent's basement. The government is eyeing price tags in billions and trillions of dollars, surely you can swing a few dollars a month. Most politicians seem to agree.
You want to talk health care? And who doesn't these days? Our ranges are perfect for cooking chicken soup should you contract swine flu. What? Swine flu doesn't come from pigs? It has more avian genetic traits than swine? The clinical trial for the H1N1 vaccination won't be complete until next April, long after the FDA declares it perfectly safe and vows to track closely any side effects? No worries, check out our selection of recliners, just off the truck.
You believe our government is sending the entire country to hell in a handbasket? Look at these beautiful Ashley lamps, the perfect accent to that handbasket, and able to provide valuable lighting for your post-nuclear-apocalypse bunker.
521.43% APR? Politicians don't read bills, why would anyone else?
Who knew? Worry-free living IS closer than you think.
Posted by Anna at September 28, 2009 6:57 PM
Comments
Classically sarcastic, wonderfully sardonic, and delightfully satirical. Love it. You are a gem. Thanks for sharing your writing talents.
Posted by: John Dean at October 6, 2009 12:55 AM