At least I can still balance on one foot on the edge of the bathtub while attempting to hang a new shower curtain.

A "wild friday night" consists of removing tags from new pillows.

The downside of not having PMS? Occasionally waking in a pool of your own blood.

An impulse purchase and refreshing break from teenage pop princesses.

I just hope the media leaves her alone and lets her live her dream.

No, that does not obligate me to say "hi" to you.

Especially when doing so would mean I had to yell across three counties, and may give onlookers the impression that I like you.

Cussing me for not saying "hi" is not likely to change my behavior.

Especially when I, as well as the entire population, can hear your cussing clearly across three counties.

Sorry.

Not.

Not only was Grandma doing fine, she apparently provided much entertainment to the hospital staff. When asked whether she experiences feelings of hopelessness or depression she replied with "Well, no, but I could if I wanted to". The nurse in his most serious professional manner asked her if he had to worry about her committing suicide and she responded, rather indignantly, "I would DIE before I committed suicide". And when the nurse asked if she was having any more chest pain she said "No, why? Did you find some?"

She is my hero!

... honk horn at other motorists

... sleep

... issue blanket apologies in advance to anyone who may think about crossing your path

... pace

... watch tacky old movies

... sleep

... eat anything that requires hard biting

... send cranky text messages to everyone who hasn't blocked your number yet

... claw off any skin previously missed

... sleep

... read consumer reviews for chain saws and other dangerous power equipment

I don't follow the news closely, but even I know there are lots of things to be worried about today, so I was immediately intrigued. What company could possibly offer to wipe out all of our worries? Turns out the van belonged to Rent-A-Center.

I feel mildly embarrassed to have not realized before RAC would be able to take on all of the grave reports swirling around us. Laid off and worried about reports that unemployment will not begin to rebound until 2010 or later? Not to worry, we can deliver a high definition television to keep you from boredom while you wait to be called back to work.

Received a second forclosure notice? One of our sectional couches would look great in your parent's basement. The government is eyeing price tags in billions and trillions of dollars, surely you can swing a few dollars a month. Most politicians seem to agree.

You want to talk health care? And who doesn't these days? Our ranges are perfect for cooking chicken soup should you contract swine flu. What? Swine flu doesn't come from pigs? It has more avian genetic traits than swine? The clinical trial for the H1N1 vaccination won't be complete until next April, long after the FDA declares it perfectly safe and vows to track closely any side effects? No worries, check out our selection of recliners, just off the truck.

You believe our government is sending the entire country to hell in a handbasket? Look at these beautiful Ashley lamps, the perfect accent to that handbasket, and able to provide valuable lighting for your post-nuclear-apocalypse bunker.

521.43% APR? Politicians don't read bills, why would anyone else?

Who knew? Worry-free living IS closer than you think.

Damn, I hope I look that good at 90! Happy Birthday Grandma!

The deputy clerk was very nice, and said it wasn't a problem. I handed her the registration from last year and she started tapping away on her keyboard. Finally she informed me that I hadn't received any paperwork because the system didn't update when I renewed last year.

I asked her if I had been pulled over, would my license show as expired. She said yes. Great. Then she told me it would have been ok though because I had the paper with me. I had a hard time believing her, because the computer is ALWAYS right. She insisted that's the reason for keeping registration information in the car at all times.

From now on I will be framing my proof of registration.