Of course, fixing their scale did not deter them from finding new ways to screw with me. This visit was the almost non-visit. I showed up, on time as always.

Girl behind the desk: "You're not in the schedule today."
Me: (this is where I should have said "oh, my bad, I'll come back some other day", unfortunately, I am too argumentative for my own good) "That would explain why you did not call on Friday to confirm my appointment."
GBTD: "Your appointment is for September 22."
M: "Except that would not be the day after Labor day, which we specifically discussed when the appointment was set."
Office Manager: (delighted their plot to piss me off was working as planned) "We'll pull your chart up and work something out."

What they worked out, after conceeding the appointment was most likely scheduled for today and not a figment of my imagination, was an arrangement where I got to sit around for another hour and a quarter before seeing the nurse practitioner. I asked her if they hold staff meetings to discuss ways to screw with me. She told me I don't have to come back for another four months, which I managed to negotiate into five months, since I already have that appointment scheduled. I may have suggested if the health care practice gig does not work out they could always start their own airline, they are that good.

A condition resulting in activation of the right turn signal using the left hand toggle rather than deactivating the windshield wipers using the right hand toggle.

Me: "Oh? Do you want me to leave you the key?"

Sweet dreams.

Do you see it?

How about now?

Oh well, 75% perfect is better than 100% of nothing.

A complete mystery....

A puzzle....

(If we know where it is, shouldn't it be called "found" creek? Or for the preservationists, "The Creek Formerly Known as Lost".)

Ring Toss.....

"Frozebee"....

A Book Signing....

It's not a party until someone puts rubber duckies in the decorations....

Maybe the baby knows who did it....

A morning snuggle....

An original art exposition....

(The pre-k years)

And finally, heading home.....

For my thirty-sixteenth birthday someone I trust explicitly talked me into making an odyssey to the Land of Dysfunctional Maps. Bored with the minutiae of every day life and drawn in by her convincing tales of abundant treasure to be found, I eagerly agreed.

At daybreak (which arrives around 11:00 am local time), we set out in search of adventure. So sure were we of our destination, we left our internal compasses and my digital camera behind. (Which explains why there is no picture of us in search of adventure.) We stopped first at the local Starbucks, in order to procure sustenance for our travels.

Ignoring the advice of google maps we followed a secret passageway, which promised fewer interstate perils. We soon arrived at our destination, believing all we had to do was locate the red X, and treasure would be ours. Legend had failed to prepare us for the sights we were to behold, buildings upturned and laying atop one another, surely a giant troll or some other raging beast had just passed through. Along our way were many other travel weary pilgrims, seeking the same treasure we had come for.

We made a stop at the home of a local seer named Tourist Information and were provided with several maps, each more confusing than the other. Was North to the right, left, top or bottom? We followed the path marked "You are lost", turned around, backtracked, turned around again. At the city limit sign of "Getting Colder" I realized we were in a totally different hamlet than the treasure was purported to be in and my companion alerted me to the fact our reserves were low.

We were able to ascertain our location as the intersection of "You are lost" and "What the Hell!?!?" My companion left a trail of breadcrumbs to mark our path. In this clearing was a cottage marked "Wendy's", where the inhabitants were more than happy to provide food and drink. We drank the elixir of knowledge, and the maps tightly held secrets were revealed. We marked our path, and resumed our journey, our hunger for treasure growing more intense with each passing moment.

With only a few minor mis-steps we arrived under the red X, and behold, the vast treasure awaiting. Under a neon arrow claiming "You are here" a local waif promised protection for my dusty carriage, for a small fee, and we gladly accepted his offer. On the street marked "Finally found what I'm looking for" we stood, mouths agape, stunned by the strange, amazing and sometimes terrible sights. There was more to see and do here than we could take in on just one day. We wandered along, two more pilgrims in the Land of Dysfunctional Maps, stopping sometimes to scoop up treasure until our pockets could carry no more. It was well past nightfall before we returned to the car and set out on the road marked "Take me back to Kansas", exhausted yet content.

Awaking this morning, it all seemed so long ago and far away, but for one small reminder that it really had happened, just the way I remember.

Putting the legs on.

Putting the legs on the second time after realizing I had not put the protective casing around the perimeter.

Checking to see if the counter is working. Do not be deceived by the oxygen tubing, it is not actually connected to the machine at this point. Another blonde hair is born.

Elsie: "Let me pay this time". *scrambling to retrieve money*
Me: "Nope, I got it". *pulling money out of pocket*
E: "No, here, let me". *still scrambling*
M: "No. I have it already, you're too late. I'm quicker than you".
E: "You are quicker". *thrusting $5.00 bill at me* "Here, use this instead".
M: "Nope".
E: "Well, take it anyway".
M: "No. Put that back in your bra". *pause* "I don't want your money, there's no telling where it's been".

Minnesotan Mom, serving finnish pancakes and krumkaka.